Why am I here?


I often ask myself, ‘Why am I here?’.

This is not (just) an effect of ageing! It is a conscious checking-in process that I hope drives me to activate my best self. 

When we, for example, are obliged to attend a group meeting there is a temptation for us to consciously split our attention between the room we are in, and the other things that seem a better use of our time (to check our emails on our phone or to start making lists of tasks to complete)I know, I know, you're thinking 'I never do that!!!!'. Ok, so for those of us who are human, one of the things that might help us is if we use a question of attention to help our engagement. To interrupt our habitual pattern of divided attention, our habit of distraction, we can ask ourselves with curiosity, 'Why am I here?'. By doing so we actively rather than passively attend our time. 

Attention is a muscle that we need to build. 

In The Safe Space, we work on making sure that we bring our best selves to the table all the time, so we can extract the best from our time and our colleagues. 

Name *

If you want to invest in people, do it in the right place


This week I spent a fabulous morning listening to the fascinating Malcolm Gladwell, author of Outliers, Blink, etc. One of his key messages was that when we want to improve things, we should think wisely in whom to invest.

He showed a video clip of a goal secured by UK Premier League soccer team Tottenham Hotspur which was preceded by 48 consecutive passes. Each player in the team touched the ball. Had one person played a bad shot it wouldn’t have been a goal. He contrasted this to a basketball team where a single player can cross the entire court on their own and be singularly responsible for the majority of points.

I reflected on my clients, how should or could they invest in improvements in their systems that would lead to the most significant result? Should they invest in the strongest players, as in basketball? On the weakest links as might be wise to do in soccer? Or perhaps the focus should be on the passing between the players, the underlying foundation skills of effective communication and collaboration?

Where would your team benefit most?

Name *

Do you suffer from excessive empathy?

LinkedIn Cover_effective conversations.png

Empathy - Defined by Oxford Dictionary - the ability to understand and share the feelings of another

So much is written about the value of people increasing their empathy. But what about those who need to decrease their empathy? What if you have excessive empathy? How do you deal with all that understanding and sharing of others' feelings? What about when those feelings are really strong? Or you understand and share the feelings felt by multiple people? When I meet someone with excessive empathy this is what I see:

  1. Indecision – "How can I make a decision that might impact on another person, or lots of other people? How is it possible to balance the importance of these feelings, of different feelings, or different people with different coping resources?"
  2. Reticence in putting own needs first – “Why would my feelings be more important than others'? Why should my feelings or thoughts be of higher value than other peoples' feelings/thoughts? Or perhaps my feelings will just bring up more feelings for others and therefore I should leave them left unspoken.”
  3. Over screening of own words/actions - Preoccupation with lots of distracting thoughts as the value of their words is assessed. Like a chess player several moves ahead, excessive empathy leads to complicated assessments of the impact of words/actions.

Excessive empathy comes at a cost but one that can be managed.

Keep an eye out for the difference between empathy and excessive empathy. And assess, would you be able to serve yourself and others better if you reduced your excessive empathy?

Feels strange to talk about de-empathising but it is one of the most essential skills you could learn if this post is speaking to you.

Excessive Empathy - Defined by Dr Amy Silver - debilitating emotional connection sometimes to the point of paralysis, always to the detriment of the inflicted, usually to the detriment to those they try to serve

Name *

How To Use Psychological Safety In Cultures That Grow

LinkedIn Cover_effective conversations.png

Psychological safety precedes innovation, honest communication, agile behaviours, engagement and enables individuals to tap into hidden potential. All good things. Feeling psychological unsafe is in comparison, not a good thing. It results in fear, overthinking, under speaking and group think. All bad things. If we want to create a culture that grows, there is no advantage to people feeling psychologically unsafe.  

But interestingly, when it comes to tasks (rather than a global sense of safety), it's different.

It will often be helpful to growth if people are stretched and challenged in their tasks. By enabling a (supervised) level of task insecurity in a psychologically safe environment, we create the opportunity to learn and innovate. By challenging individuals with tasks, we create the space for a growth spurt in capability, empowerment and achievement, even if it is accompanied by discomfort.

When people are not stretching in tasks, there will be no growth, even in a psychologically safe environment. This is because people get comfortable, and comfortable has an impact on their efforts and their fulfillment.

So ...
growth zone = psychologically safe environment + task stretch
no growth zone = psychologically safe environment + no task stretch.
no growth zone = psychological unsafe environment.

Where are you and your colleagues?


COMPLIMENTARY WEBCAST 19th October - 11.00-11.45am AEST
How you can support the growth of your direct reports...how to help them with the hard work of change! (register here)

Order Amy's new book  Conversations Create Growth  or see more about Amy's program Cultures of Growth to find out more about how you can move from once a year performance reviews to ongoing effective conversations.

Dr. Amy Silver is an expert in effective conversations and human connection. She believes passionately that we have a responsibility to trigger growth in ourselves and others.
To get regular tips and tricks to your inbox sign up for Silverlinings below.

Name *

Once a year checks on performance leave too much to chance

My children have an annual check on their teeth. Like every other visit we have had over the past 7 years, the outcome was that their teeth needed to be brushed better. 

Last night they brushed their teeth really well! And we have 11 months till our next official visit. How do I help them build on their performance? How do I help them see the relevance of their efforts? How do I best support them? How do I keep their progress in my own brain as the days, weeks, months continue?

Once a year checks on performance leave too much to chance. Don't you think?


COMPLIMENTARY WEBCAST 21st September - 11.00-11.45am AEST | HOW TO FEED GROWTH BY FEEDING BACK (www.dramysilver.com/webcast)

Order Amy's new book  Conversations Create Growth here  or see more about Amy's program Cultures of Performance Growth to find out more about how you can move from once a year performance reviews to ongoing effective conversations.

Dr. Amy Silver is an expert in effective conversations and human connection. She believes passionately that we have a responsibility to trigger growth in ourselves and others. Join Silverlinings to get tips and tools for growth and engagement at work. Click www.dramysilver.com for details of programs and download free offers.

Name *

How to inspire your direct reports to grow

If you want to inspire growth in others, stay focused on them. Here are the four top tips to do so.

  1. Revelation not presumption: Our key task, as a contributor of other peoples' growth, is to reveal their inspiration. Keep asking what sparks their interests to avoid clunky conversations full of  mismatches in inspiration and hidden blocks to behaviour change. 
  2. Don’t judge: Once we reveal their inspiration, the next task is to withhold judgement. Judging will not help you stay curious, by default it will introduce opportunities for clashing conversations.
  3. Build: The third task is to look for ways to build their existing inspiration. Enable them to see that their potential is greater, or that their purpose is bigger. If someone wants to make a real difference, explore what this means for them: How do they feel they are going with that goal? How can you as their manager, or the business support them with it?
  4. Stay curious: The fourth and most crucial step is to enable their inspiration to change and develop as they grow. Remain fluid in your expectations of what inspires them. Don’t get caught out by thinking, ‘but they told me that ‘X’ was what motivated them and now they are saying ‘Y’ motivates them. What is going on?’. Keep stretching to hear and do not assume that the conversation is over because you understand. Keep talking and exploring, and remember you are dealing with a human who is fluid, not an algorithm which is fixed (which is why once annual reviews don't help growth).
Name *

How to help someone who bad talks themselves

LinkedIn Cover_effective conversations (1).png

Hearing someone describe themselves with a critical label is never easy, especially if you manage them.

If you want to contribute to their growth, convert a negative self-fulfilling prophecy into an opportunity. Stretch the potential of your direct report by adding a phrase that locates the label in the past.

For example, if someone describes themselves as indecisive, you can re-label that for them by saying ‘so you’ve been indecisive in the past’. This moves the conversation to one of state rather than one of trait.

The beauty of this is that the state conversation gives more scope to solutions.

You can further this growth activation by asking ‘so when are you decisive?’ This stretches the description of themselves away from black and white. It shows them the truth, which is of course that we are all grey.

Growth is determined by the bandwidth in which we play. Labels assigned to people you manage, even the ones they give themselves, will limit your potential to help them grow.
Further (wonderful) related reading : Carol Dweck - Mindset

Name *

How much could you work together?

I draw the diagram above (you may need to display images) to show people why it's so worthwhile to focus on trust. It works when I show it to organisations in relation to their customers; managers and their direct reports; leaders and their employees; colleagues and their stakeholders; anyone with anyone.

If you want to do more together, focus on trust. The green represents the wasted opportunites where we could be doing more to help each other but we just don't trust each other enough to make it happen. We want more of the lovely pink that shows us how much we actually do together. That pink triangle will increase as that trust bubble moves up. So, perhaps worth a quick thought:

  • What is possible if you grow the trust with your customers, direct reports, stakeholders or employees?

  • How much more satisfying for all would it be if that pink triangle took more of the green area?

  • How do the conversations currently being had, increase or decrease trust?

  • What's your plan to increase it? [Here's a tip: don't say 'time' is the plan, there are much quicker ways]

Amy shows organisations how to have effective conversations that activate growth. To find out more about this, please see www.DrAmySilver.com (free whitepapers to download).

Complete form below if you want to make sure you see more Silverlinings

Name *

Review your performance reviews!

In Australia we are drawing to the end of the financial year and we are heavily into performance review season. As with all good implementation strategies, I would encourage a review to make sure you are getting what you want/need from the reviews. Let's review the reviews...! 

How much time do they take? Prompting their move away from annual appraisals, Deloitte reported that it took 1.8 million hours to run the process for their 65,000 employees. While your numbers may not look like that, perhaps it is worth evaluating the hours it takes from your business.

Are they evoking helpful emotions? Does it leave the givers and/or receivers feeling things that are helpful e.g. pride, desire (to achieve), determination, passion? How could you increase opportunities to connect with these things either in the next performance review cycle or in ongoing conversations?

Are they enabling growth? How does the performance review lead to a rise in performance? Is it clear the performance review meeting is a point at which growth is created? In what way do you measure the growth to make sure that the best levers are pulled? 

Do your performance reviews do what they say on the tin? If not, perhaps it is time for a more effective conversation.

Having a performane review? Want it to help you grow? Read on....

  • Remember this conversation is an opportunity to look for things that will help you grow. You will get more growth out of this conversation if you look for those opportunities to learn rather than defend or deflect.
  • In order to grow in the direction you want or need, do you understand what you should do/learn/experience? If not, ask.
  • What support will you need (internal and external) to make your growth more likely? Can you bring that into the conversation?
  • If things are happening in this meeting which are a surprise, it is a reflection on the conversations you have had up till this point. Think about what you can do to make sure that you encourage ongoing conversations in the future.

7 top tips if you are a people manager running a performance review

  1. The performance review is an opportunity to enable growth for your direct reports. Most people don’t report the performance review as a growth point and most businesses don't view it as a commercial growth point either. Spend time preparing for each meeting. Focus your preparation on what you can do to foster growth, rather than spending all your time gathering information. This is a conversation where your behaviour will influence growth, engagement and performance so remember which way you want it to go.
  2. Look for and discuss what inspires your colleague to grow. Without understanding their motivation to move forward you will struggle to find a way to sustain drive.
  3. Have you given them enough information to understand their current performance and how this relates to their goals? Feedback is part of this, but not all. What else do they need to understand?
  4. Do you understand what support you will give personally (or elsewhere) to enable the growth desired? Have options to take in to the meeting but co-designed solutions will be most helpful.
  5. Are you prepared to receive feedback from your direct report in the meeting (or at anytime). Can you do this without your ego blocking it with unhelpful emotions? Can you use it as a way of increasing your comprehension of the situation and how you might be able to help? Remember your focus should be on your own growth as an effective leader.
  6. Consider the performance review as a reflection on the effectiveness of your conversations throughout the year. If the conversation is difficult in anyway, this will be an indication that you need to work on effective ongoing conversations around growth, engagement and performance.
  7. Are you both clear on how you will track the behavioural (observable) changes discussed so you can check in tomorrow/next week/next month on growth?

Amy is running a Webcast "How to make your performance reviews effective" on Friday 16th June 11.00am-12.00pm AEST. Click here to register.

Amy enables deeper insight and more effective conversations.  Join Silverlinings to get tips and tools for growth and engagement at work. Click www.dramysilver.com for details of programs and download free offers.

Top Tip If You Want to Help People Grow

For growth to happen, a certain amount of hard work is required.
When helping others to grow, we assume the level of perspiration it takes.  Our assumption can be wrong; we can assume it is harder than it will be which will introduce our own emotional layers. For example we may try and protect the person from our perceived risk, but this can limit their learning. Or perhaps we protect them from the imagined pain of receiving feedback which could limit their comprehension. 

At the other end of the spectrum, we may assume it will be easier for them to change than it actually is. Here we will bring a whole heap of false expectations and irritation when the apparent easy change doesn't occur. Or we may miss the opportunity to praise and reward if we see the change but underestimate the perspiration it required.

Both over and under assuming the perspiration required for their growth will limit how much you can help them grow.
If you want to help people grow, one of your roles is to support their perspiration. But keep in mind you are supporting their perspiration, not what yours would be or what you imagine it will b. Change is hard, but only they can define how hard. Check your assumption to create growth for both of yo.

Growth = inspiration + comprehension + perspiration

Amy is an expert in communication for influence. She works with teams and leaders to get underneath the surface and change the real blocks to growth. Join Silverlinings to get tips and tools for growth and engagement at work.Click www.dramysilver.com for details of programs and download free offers.



Are You Prepared To Talk?

The digital revolution will require more ability to have effective conversations than ever before.

Do your colleagues know how to have conversations across the generational cultures? Millennials will make up 75 percent of the workforce by 2025Deloitte (2016) predicts they “won’t want to work at a place that is not cutting edge or doesn’t give them the chance to learn, grow and innovate.” Are you helping them do that through the conversations you are having?

What about the conversations with people who use or are in the growing ‘cloud based talent’ pool or with virtual workers? Conversations are key to ensuring success with this reliance on each other with ever growing distance.

Are you prepared to talk?

Deloitte (2014), “The Millennial Survey,” http:// www2.deloitte.com/us/en/pages/about-deloitte/ articles/planning-for-the-future.html, accessed October 21, 2016

Deloitte (2016), "Crunch time Finance in a digital world ",
https://www2.deloitte.com/au/en/pages/finance-transformation/articles/finance-digital-transformation-for-cfos.html accessed April 11, 2017

Why Don't They Listen?!

“I’ve told you a million times. Keep. Your. Shoes. By. The. Front. Door. Then you won’t lose them!” is a very familiar cry in our household!

“Arghhh…Why don’t they listen” I say in my head (or mutter out loud) while I throw cushions off the couch, or fall to the floor to look under the sofa when looking for elusive shoes.*

Actually, while the frustration is not particularly helpful, “why don’t they listen” is a really good question. But searching for the answer within them is not always helpful. If we want to have more potential to change their behaviour we must search for the answer within us. We can ask ourselves "Why didn't they respond to the way I gave the request last time? What could I say/do differently next time? How can I explore other ways around this? What if I tried x instead of y".

Many people managers think that they have told their colleagues exactly what they need to change for better performance, but feel frustrated when that change doesn’t happen. “How many times do I need to tell them to change?” they ask me. Well the answer is a few. But after no change is shown, perhaps there is no use in saying it again in the same way.

Instead perhaps ask yourself “Why didn't they listen to the way I said it last time?” not in frustration, but with real curiosity. “What could I say/do differently next time? How can I explore other ways around this? Is there something I could do to make this request easier to complete?”.

*Any help on the shoes front would be gratefully received

Amy is an expert in communication for influence. She works with teams and leaders to get underneath the surface and change the real blocks to growth. Join Silverlinings to get tips and tools for growth and engagement at work.Click www.dramysilver.com for details of programs and download free offers.

Do You Trust The Future?

Jean Valjean, the angry ex-convict in Les Miserables meets Bishop Bienvenu who trusts him to stay the night. Jean Valjean breaks that trust by stealing some silver goblets and is caught the next day. The Bishop makes a second and even larger move of trust by telling the police he gave the silver to Jean. A third demonstration of trust sees the Bishop giving him further treasure, a pair of silver candlesticks. He trusts Jean Valjean to use the silver to become an honest man.

Trust is future based. It is a move based on the hope of a better future. Someone needs to demonstrate trust first; whether it is a new relationship or after a break in trust. Imagine you demonstrate trust first, in the hope of a better future. What if they don’t reciprocate, does that mean you stop trusting them, stop believing in a better future with this person? Or do you demonstrate trust a second time? How many demonstrations of trust are you willing to make without reciprocation?

Many variables will determine your answer including your history, your need, the perceived risk, your pride. You will have a bias towards trust or not to trust, a bias in your hope for a better future. Which way does your bias lead you?

Amy is an expert in communication for influence. She works with teams and leaders to get underneath the surface and change the real blocks to growth. Join Silverlinings to get tips and tools for growth and engagement at work.Click www.dramysilver.com for details of programs and download free offers.

Go Nudge Yourself


In behavioural economics, one strategy to help encourage people to grow their savings is to get them to commit to a future decision. For example it might be that you commit to giving 50% of the next raise you get to your saving fund. If you stick to that, then when you get your $5,000 raise next month you have already committed to yourself that you will give $2,500 to your saving fund. Linking the ‘loss’ associated with saving to a moment when you will feel ‘gain’ makes the pill easier to swallow. Making a commitment to a future choice point means we don’t need to go through the pain now and we have a trigger to start this new behaviour (the raise). Even more importantly, by determining this in advance, we support the more rational part of our brain in that moment when the pull towards the short term is so strong. Watch this for more in the moment temptation in the face of a longer term goal! 

How about you play this game with yourself and your behaviour. Give yourself a nudge to do something brave or something you know you should do for your own good but is hard to do. You could commit to giving more of what you actually think not what you think is expected next time you are asked for your opinion, regardless of the scenario; Or commit to yourself that the next time someone makes an inappropriate joke, you will indicate your uncomfortableness rather than go with the flow, regardless of who is there and in what environment it occurs. Commit to saying ‘yes’ when you are next asked to do something that scares you regardless of what it is that you are asked; Or commit to saying ‘no’ next time when someone asks you to take something else on; Or commit to the process of asking one more question even when you think you understand someone’s point of view. This doesn’t mean you have to follow through with the commitment you have made yourself, that would be like committing to cross the road regardless of whether there are any cars coming. Rather, you are nudging the longer term focused part of your brain, the stretch bit, to have some opportunity to weigh in and deal with the short term thinking part of your brain in the moment.

If you know what you need to be doing, but it’s hard to do, make a future commitment using your full range brain so your habitual brain has more competition in the moment. Don't forget to write it down, and if you really want to nudge yourself, sign it. If you are super serious, get someone to be a witness - go nudge yourself.