Do you need to loosen your control?! Have you got a Absolutism Grip pattern running?
Our second pattern, the Absolutism Grip (see below for the diagram) is really one to understand if you have ever felt like or been identified by others as a perfectionist or control freak.
This is for those of us where 99% is not good enough. The pattern may be contained to only a specific area of our lives (e.g. work, house management, parenting, appearance) or it may be across all areas of our life.
This pattern clearly contributes to success in life, is admirable and gives the holder and others around them a sense of control and order.
The pattern can become unhelpful when the load becomes too high for the holder's capacity. This can be either because of the tasks (sheer volume or complexity) or because of some reduction in capability such as illness.
This overloading is more likely if the holder has not learnt how to:
ask for help
accept praise
notice their successes along the way
has a habit of overcommitment
or has someone close to them that is codependent (partner, boss, peer, child) who sees the holder as capable of holding it all and being OK.
This pattern, and the damage it does, is often first identified by others, and not the holder themselves. That is because, this pattern has so many good outcomes that the down side takes a while to identify.
If this pattern goes bad pattern it is because it is unsustainable or because of the hidden stress. This pattern often has an impact on the depth of relationships and a loss of attachment to pleasure and satisfaction. If you have noticed this pattern causing some distress to you, or someone you care for, or perhaps you have noticed through reading this that you are complicit in someone elses Absolsutism Grip, read on.
Depattern Deliberately : Tips for the Absolutism Grip Pattern
Is it possible to challenge my should/must/ought thoughts to could/might thoughts
Is it possible to challenge my belief that controlling all aspects is the best way to make the outcome successful
Is it possible to reduce the effort given to doing 'the thing' or the role?
Is it possible to trust others (e.g. ask them for help, look for ways that they can contribute with a different perspective/different skills, tell them how you are feeling?)
How could you process your feelings other than squashing them through 'doing'.
What brings you joy other than controlling the outcome?
Notice how tied your identity is with control and or the outcome.
What are your thoughts?
I'm still playing with these concepts; I'd love you to hit reply and let me know how it's landing with you?
