Where are you?! The Approval Eclipse.
The fourth pattern explored in this series* is the strongest and most common I see in the workplace - Approval Eclipse.
It is a necessity for us to have established something that looks like the pattern of seeking approval. An inability to adhere to this pattern is how we define sociopaths, so definitely a pattern that serves us well! And in a less dramatic sense, the desire to seek approval is how we connect, create and how we function successfully as a society, workplace or family. We are social primates and the drive and behaviours for this pattern start at birth enabling bonding to caregivers securing our survival.
As with all patterns there is a danger if it is too strong or too all encompassing. The pattern when taken too far, is that we seek approval from others so much that it eclipses our own self. In other words, we seek validation from others more than we want to satisfy our own thoughts, needs or wants; our own needs and wants become eclipsed by others.
Over time if this eclipsing pattern continues, we start to lose our own compass and drive, we start to become disconnected from ourselves. We esteem others more than we esteem ourselves. We get pleasure from other people's pleasure or their pleasure in us. From this place of shadow, it is difficult to make decisions, choose actions, choose direction, maybe even choose joy. The most basic things such as what to eat, how to dress or what we say can become confusing; Not knowing what the 'right' thing is that will satisfy others needs and wants and keep us on the 'in' and not on the 'out' with others.
The pressure we experience may be exacerbated when we have multiple people we are trying to appeal to or be approved by, or people with different needs or interests. The world can become more and more confusing as we try to be what we predict will be of interest or value to others. The effort can be overwhelming. So much so, we may start to avoid doing anything at all that would place us in a risky situation. Instead preferring to dial out of having an external (or worse, internal) perspective or contribution.
To make clear again, the pattern is a good one, without it we wouldn't be able to bond or succeed. We are as with all patterns, exploring the edges where the pattern is held so tightly we are reduced in some way.
The conscious and unconscious changing of our own needs to replace them with what we know or imagine are others needs and wants is risky when there is an eclipsing or eradication of self. It is also risky because our predictions of what others want and need may be wrong. For example we may be so agreeable and passive, seeking approval from others for our affability, but in fact our colleagues want our opinion even if it's different from theirs. In this way our misconception of their needs and our derterimnation to be approved of makes us more vulnerable to being excluded or less valuable than we could be.
Here are some of the ways the Approval Eclipse shows up at work and what my clients often ask me to help them readdress.
People not speaking up (safer to stay silent)
Over delivery (leading to potential burnout, lack of delegation, increases in non-billable time and high expectations of clients)
Not wanting to cause discomfort to others (e.g. giving and receiving feedback or lack of disagreement leading to lack of cognitive diversity)
Depattern Deliberately : Tips for depatterning the Approval Eclipse
Note how many times you say 'I don't mind' or 'you decide' or 'what do you think' or some variation of that in your work and/or personal life. Does this indicate an automatic pattern or are you choosing that response deliberately?
Keep track of times where you have a thought which you don't voice, only to see someone else say it later. Again, look for whether this is a pattern and if so, when is it most likely to be at play?
Spot the pattern for you, when it works for you (ie. it gives you good things) and when it doesn't. Start to codify your pattern, what happens in what order.
Practice self compassion and understanding of the value of this pattern as you explore it. The pattern is good, helpful and necessary. We are looking for the edges of where it is held too rigidly or causing more harm than good.
Seek to disappoint. Not in a global or irreversible way. Choose something small, we are looking for micro openings that enable you to test the principle that people will reject you for it. Chances are you have more leeway than you think. e.g. personal risk - suggest the place you go for dinner; work risk - clarify why you are invited to an internal meeting and what your role is so you can make a decision about whether it fits with your own priorities.
What do you want? Perhaps it's worth exploring that a little so you can dial into your own drives, motivatons, values, goals? When you are very in touch with these they become your guide and you become less susceptable to be driven by others'.
What are your thoughts?
I'm still playing with these concepts; I'd love you to hit reply and let me know how it's landing with you?
*See previous Silverlinings for the damaging patterns of Avoidance Looping, Absolutism Grip, Armouring Shield or the overview of Are you Deliberately Behaving Like that?!