Do you know how to put the armour down?
The third pattern that I see commonly see interfering with our best self is the use of the Armouring Shield*.
If you spend time with animals you know, they reveal their tummy when they are relaxed. They lay themselves open and vulnerable. The armoured shield pattern is the opposite, it is a protective state. If we don't lay ourselves open to be vulnerable, we don't get hurt is the theory...until the pattern itself is the very thing that hurts us. A pattern that is really rigidly playing automatically can start to cut us off from the connection we need for our best self. For example, by keeping relationships at arms length it does indeed protect, but it also has a knock on effect at work (e.g. developing trust with a colleague) and at home (reducing depth of personal relationships).
This pattern of protection works brilliantly to block connection. We block connection to people or things because we don't want to be challenged or changed, in our thinking, our behaviour or our emotions.
It can be a subtle 'no' to the opportunity, we resist involvement in the connection, the conversation or the experience. Or it can be a very active resistance, or even explicit rejection of the person, idea or situation.
We may avert our gaze, fold our arms, block others speaking by speaking over them, or maybe something more deliberate like a sudden shift in the topic, or putting a hand up to stop the flow of conversation. It can also look like not wanting to trust someone, not getting too close to someone, not wanting to reveal anything about ourselves in case we allow ourselves to be 'seen' and therefore making ourselves more vulnerable.
As with our other patterns (*Avoidance Looping, Absolutism Grip covered in previous writings, and Approval Eclipse covered in the next Silverlinings), recognising them and knowing how to disrupt the default is important if we don't want to be beholden to our patterns all the time.
Depattern Deliberately : Tips for depatterning the Armouring Shield
Recognise any spaces of your world where saying no, putting up the armour, creating distance, reducing connection etc. is something which isn't serving you or those you care about.
Write down a specific goal for a specific situation or with a specific person. This will help you focus less on the global pattern (which has great value) to the area where you would like to practice something different.
Understand this is a game of vulnerability. The benefit of vulnerability is attachment and connection (see more about this in my forthcoming book).
Practice micro openings in the situation you are working on. This can look like eye contact, a smile, not filling a pause, asking a question from a place of curiosity, sharing something about your weekend, sharing something about your concerns.
Evaluate the micro openings (see more in forthcoming book) for the impact and don't move on too quickly to anything macro. Stay with the micro openings.
What are your thoughts?
I'm still playing with these concepts; I'd love you to hit reply and let me know how it's landing with you?
*See previous Silverlinings for the damaging patterns of Avoidance Looping and Absolutism Grip or the overview of Are you Deliberately Behaving Like that?! Stay tuned for the last in the series of patterns, Approval Eclipse. Message me if you want to join our first Pattern Lab, a series of three online workshops to work through your patterns and where and when they may need modifying.
