Trust Is a Pattern. Distrust is a Pattern. Which pattern are you building?
I'm often called in to help two teams stuck in a pattern of distrust. They've wasted years waiting for trust to develop while the dysfunction creates catastrophic consequences.
When I say waiting, they're not actually waiting. They're actively, deliberately building the pattern of distrust.
To deliberately build a pattern of distrust (and I could write chapters on this, I'm sure you could too): gossip, eye-rolling, passive-aggressive emails, blocking, exclusion, working around people instead of with them, enrolling others in your version of events, keeping old war stories alive. Humans are brilliant at making it worse.
But what if we deliberately built a pattern of trust instead?
First, we'd have to get past the ego talk that our human brains like to put in the way of progress. The 'it's not fair, why should I make the effort'; 'they should make the first move'; 'no way am I being nice when they're not', 'they brought this upon themselves'.
If we could get past all that ego talk, the first step is to make the pattern of distrust explicit. Name it together. Acknowledge what's been happening between you.
Then, here's what deliberately building trust actually looks like (or at least what it looks like in my Partnership Patterns Program):
Stop collecting evidence of why you shouldn't trust them
Ask the other party what they need to see or feel to trust you more
Do what they need to see or feel (start small if needed)
Check that's what they wanted and adjust
Work out and clearly articulate what you need to see or feel for your trust to grow
Invite the other party to take small steps toward what's required
Give them feedback
Trust built on time and luck isn't a strategy. Deliberately design a new pattern of trust.
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