Don’t be Weird

Don't be Weird

Or actually, do be weird. Be weird in your thinking, your style, your humour, your body language, your everything. Weird is good. Weird is you.

But please, please do not be weird in your performance conversations.

It's that time of year where we prepare for annual reviews and when there are a lot of deeply, awkwardly, unnecessarily weird conversations around performance. The moment someone mentions "performance review" or "I'd like some feedback on..." something happens to otherwise excellent humans. Something neurological. Something that turns a capable, warm, experienced leader into a version of themselves we wouldn't recognise in the mirror.

Here are some of the ways I see people go weird. I say this with love. And of course, a small amount of personal recognition(!)

• Suddenly speaking a different language. Words appear that we never normally use. "Going forward." "At this juncture." "I want to be transparent with you." We've been managing this person for two years and now we sound like a press release.

• Referring to feedback as if it arrived by courier. "There have been some concerns raised..." About what? By whom? The vagueness feels kind in the moment but lands as confusion and triggers the other persons flight/feeze/fawn/fight response and their clever brain goes offline.

• Over-explaining the structure of the meeting instead of just having the meeting. By the time we've mapped out the format, their anxiety has tripled because they know something is coming and we keep not saying it.

• Making it about us. Our discomfort. Our good intentions. Our difficulty having this conversation. Now they're managing our feelings while also trying to process their own.

• Pre-apologising so much that the message drowns. We said it. Then we unsaid it. Then we apologised for saying it. They left not quite sure what happened.

• Filling every silence with more words. Silence is often thinking time.

We are still us and they are still them. Just because we're about to have a feedback opportunity, don't be weird.

• Ground yourself (tips on my website downloads if you want an easy reminder; link in button below)

• Remind yourself of your intention (tip: this should be growth, theirs and yours)

• Regulate your breathing, which will be adding to the kerfuffle in your brain if it is out of whack

• Remember your preparation, the thinking you did about your intention, your conversation strategy, your content (the four distinct themes of the performance conversation)  your manner, your mindset, pattern dominance, and cognitive loops, and your commitment and accountability suggestions. If you're wondering what any of this is, come to a Masterclass (see below). And if you haven't prepared....um...well, prepare.

• Tune in to the other person, remembering you are there to serve this person, the relationship and the work. By externalising your focus to what the other person is thinking, feeling, doing, you can get out of your own head

• Name what's happening in the room if needed

• Know the difference between giving information and giving growth opportunities

Performance conversations are one of the highest leverage things a leader does. Done well, they are an act of profound respect, the belief that someone can grow, combined with the courage to say so clearly. Done weirdly, they leave people confused, unseen, and sometimes more stuck than before.

You don't need a script.

You do need to prepare (content and your state).

You do need to stop performing and start connecting.

If you want to get genuinely good at this, not just better at managing your own discomfort, I've designed a ONE HOUR MASTERCLASS SPECIFICALLY FOR LEADERS who know performance conversations matter and want the skills to do them well. Not a tick-box training. A real capability shift. This masterclass is so good, I'm considering running a public course so people can do it for themselves. If you are interested, hit reply to this email and let me know so I can see if it's a yay or a nay.

• Click here to book an in-house masterclass for your colleagues to help them not be weird in performance conversations. You can run as an onilne over lunch Masterclass to ensure your colleagues are prompted to create opportunities for growth and prepare them for performance conversation season. Or forward this email to those interested in improving their performance conversations!

P.S. Weird is good. Generally.

#leadership #psychology #psychologicalsafety #conversations #performance #performancereview #annualperformancereview